LOCAL MAN BAFFLED HE’S NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE IN US ELECTION

Local man, Michael Healy (not Rae) (34) has been left absolutely flabbergasted at having been told he is not eligible to vote in the US Presidential Election today. Michael turned up at his local polling station in Brooklodge this morning only to find “loads of kids running around shouting and wearing the same clothes” and no-one to tick his name off a list.

“All I’ve heard about for months, besides covid, is that you have to vote and it’s so important to vote. It’s been all over twitter about voter suppression and long queues so I made sure I turned up early and all. I don’t get it.

Michael (34) - confused

At one point Michael believed he was in some sort of waiting area, but he had in fact, inadvertently, stumbled into Mrs Hourihan’s Senior Infants class during a maths lesson, which he described as “Trickier than you’d think”. 

Only when Sarah Joyce (5) explained to Michael that he had turned up unannounced at a Primary School did he start to suspect he had made an error. 

“Sure how was I supposed to know that was a school? I went to St Joseph’s. I always thought the Brooklodge Primary School was out that road past the roundabout, you know, not out to O’Connell Transport, the other way. I dunno. I’ve never gone out that way before. I just thought that place was where you went to vote for stuff and the drawings on the walls were done by kids who were waiting for their parents to finish voting or something.”

Michael has asked GNA to apologise on his behalf to all of the children he frightened, especially Brian MacSweeney (5) whose pencil he stole on his way out, but he always takes one from the voting booth and “tradition is tradition”.

You can find out the results of the US Presidential Election on the internet or by opening a window and listening out for the faint sound of half a country screaming “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!” across the Atlantic tonight.